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Tiki Bar Humor
lucas vigor
Tiki Socialite

Joined: May 12, 2004
Posts: 3985
From: SOCAL
Posted: 2014-03-18 08:28 am   Permalink

So, a few years back at the Bahooka, I walked in and checked out the scene. Atomic Tiki Punk was sitting there with a scowl on his face, mad dogging each new person who walked through the door…Tikiyaki Orchestra was setting up to play, Fez Moai/Fate had his tape out and was measuring items to see if they would fit in his truck, and for some reason, Bay Park Buzzy was playing a song on the piano, and Sven was behind the bar, pouring drinks. As usual, everyone ignored me,…so I really had no one to talk to. A little while later, I spotted a newcomer, obviously not a tiki centralite since he was the only one not all tatted up and wearing a Hawaiian shirt….he was perfectly normal in all respects, except that he had an incredibly small head.

Well, curiosity got the better of me, so I struck up a conversation with him, all the while trying to avoid focusing on his head, which was like the shrunken heads on one of those deadhead rum flasks….he noticed my discomfort, and said bluntly “Look dude, I can see you are dying to ask me about my small head, so I will save you the trouble and explain my story to you”


“I fish for a living. A few years back, I was off the coast of Dana point, and I had not caught anything all day. I was ready to give up, but thought I might cast my net one last time before heading back. This time, as I was pulling it in, there was something very heavy in there. I pulled and pulled, and lo and behold, there was a MERMAID in there! I was shocked! She was very good looking too, I might add, but seemed very pissed off..she started begging me to let her go, saying that if anyone saw her, it could bring nothing but bad luck to her people. Well, I saw that I had quite a find here, and knew that just like the bigfoot chasers, I might become famous off this find! I told her that I had no intentions of letting her go, and that I was going to make a lot of money with her showing the whole world that mermaids are real. She really started getting upset, telling me that if anyone found out mermaids were real, that their whole way of life would be changed forever…scientists would come and destroy her underwater kingdom, capture her people, exhibit them as freaks, whatever…it would end badly for her people…and she begged me again to let her go. I explained to her that I was a business man, and that greed and money were the things that drove me, and that I had made no money this day as a result of not catching anything good except her, and that I intended to exploit her to the fullest….she then suggested a deal. She would give me three wishes If I let her go. I asked her if she was serious, and she said yes, she would grant me 3 wishes, but I needed to choose fast or the deal was off. She then asked me for my first wish…I thought about it for a second and just said the first thing that came to mind: I want 10 million dollars! BAM! My boat was suddenly filled with suitcases filled with money! She then told me to hurry, as she was starting to dry out, and make a second wish. I actually could not think of much, now that I was rich, but glancing back at the shore saw a huge mansion up on a cliff overlooking the ocean. I wanted that house, and told her as much…BAM! The deed to the house, now in my name, appeared on the floor of my boat. This was the greatest day of my life! She then told me I needed to make my third and final wish…well, damn thing is, I couldn’t think of anything else I wanted! But then I looked at her, and she was totally hot! So I told her my third wish….well, she looked at me and said that was the one wish she could not fulfill, that she was not anatomically the same as humans down there, and that copulation with a human was not possible…so I thought about it as asked her ‘well then, how about just a little head?’
BAM!

After hearing this story, I ran out of the bahooka and never went back. Sometime later, they closed the place down, though I heard that the “fisherman” actually had bought the place.


[ This Message was edited by: Lucas Vigor 2014-03-18 11:21 ]


 
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GROG
Grand Member (first year)  

Joined: Jun 21, 2006
Posts: 6837
From: Tujunga
Posted: 2014-03-18 11:49 am   Permalink

This one for Lucas. GROG not preface it with whining like Lucas.

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.



 
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Atomic Tiki Punk
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Jul 19, 2009
Posts: 5880
From: Costa Misery
Posted: 2014-03-18 1:19 pm   Permalink

I heard a Musician was arrested for having relations with A minor....

[ This Message was edited by: Atomic Tiki Punk 2014-03-18 16:10 ]


 
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lucas vigor
Tiki Socialite

Joined: May 12, 2004
Posts: 3985
From: SOCAL
Posted: 2014-03-18 2:15 pm   Permalink

That's all good and well, but neither of you yahoos included any tiki element in your jokes...look at mine, we got shrunken heads, the bahooka, mermaid.......see how that works?



_________________
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Atomic Tiki Punk
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Jul 19, 2009
Posts: 5880
From: Costa Misery
Posted: 2014-03-18 2:25 pm   Permalink

Any joke told in a Tiki Bar is a Tiki joke!

 
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Unga Bunga
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Jun 06, 2003
Posts: 5808
From: CaliTikifornia
Posted: 2014-03-18 3:36 pm   Permalink




 
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lucas vigor
Tiki Socialite

Joined: May 12, 2004
Posts: 3985
From: SOCAL
Posted: 2014-03-18 4:53 pm   Permalink



_________________
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I AM A SOCIOPATH!


 
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GROG
Grand Member (first year)  

Joined: Jun 21, 2006
Posts: 6837
From: Tujunga
Posted: 2014-03-18 5:41 pm   Permalink

C, E-flat and G go into a TIKI bar with an interior by Bamboo Ben. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

Fixed.


 
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TikiTacky
Grand Member (first year)  

Joined: Nov 23, 2010
Posts: 1286
Posted: 2014-03-18 5:51 pm   Permalink

Quote:

On 2014-03-18 14:25, Atomic Tiki Punk wrote:
Any joke told in a Tiki Bar is a Tiki joke!



I'll add this to "any mug used in a tiki bar is a tiki mug," and "any music played at a tiki bar is tiki music" as things that will cause a riot on Tiki Central.
_________________
"You can't eat real Polynesian food. It's the most horrible junk I've ever tasted." —Trader Vic Bergeron


 
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Bay Park Buzzy
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Apr 07, 2006
Posts: 2829
From: West Bay Park, San Diego, CA
Posted: 2014-03-18 5:53 pm   Permalink

Quote:

On 2014-03-18 14:25, Atomic Tiki Punk wrote:
Any joke told in a Tiki Bar is a Tiki joke!



Call me a hoity toity purist, but it's that "Anything Goes" attitude with tiki jokes that's ruining the whole tiki humor scene. Tiki humor MUST have TIKIS in it, or it's just another example of tropical inspired Jokiana.

Buzzy Out!
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Bay Park Buzzy
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Apr 07, 2006
Posts: 2829
From: West Bay Park, San Diego, CA
Posted: 2014-03-18 5:54 pm   Permalink

Now let's RIOT!

Buzzy Out!


 
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Atomic Tiki Punk
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Jul 19, 2009
Posts: 5880
From: Costa Misery
Posted: 2014-03-18 7:13 pm   Permalink

Does it count if there are Tikis in the Tiki Bar?

But what you say sounds cogent, all Tiki Jokes must have Tikis in them
just like in death a member of Project Mayhem, has a name!

Signed: I am Buzzy's splintered carving fingers.

[ This Message was edited by: Atomic Tiki Punk 2014-03-18 19:13 ]


 
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lucas vigor
Tiki Socialite

Joined: May 12, 2004
Posts: 3985
From: SOCAL
Posted: 2014-03-18 8:09 pm   Permalink

Quote:

On 2014-03-17 20:40, Bay Park Buzzy wrote:
Quote:

On 2014-03-17 17:32, GROG wrote:
I thought we agreed that you weren't going to bitch and cry about happyhowly music if you started posting again. You've been pushing it with your youtube links without proper descriptions, too.



I'll second that! A deal's a deal.

It's probably about time Lucas does his annual "Throw a fit and Quit" TC anyway

Buzzy Out!




Yeah, well, I am sure you have a right to feel the way you do about me. After all, I burned you on that one business deal we did, made a pass at your wife in front of you, accidentally ran over your dog, keyed your car, was horribly rude and cold to you last time I saw you in person....


...oh wait, maybe that was someone else I did all those things to, because I actually have done NONE of those things to you...so I am confused then. Exactly WHY do you dislike me so much? Remind me what I have done to deserve your ire....because of some stupid posts I have made that were never directed at you (or probably anyone else on this forum)??

Sometimes, tiki central sucks. And when I have wanted to stop posting, it is EXACTLY because of people like you who attack me for absolutely no good reason except you want to show everyone how snarky you can be.

Real nice, bay park buzzy.

There are people on this forum who have done and said terrible things to people. Vicious, personal attacks....have caused huge scenes at events...and yet not one of you dare to say anything about those people.
Yet a guy like me makes stupid, time wasting posts that are 99% of the time not directed at anyone here....and I take all the crap from people like you. The snide little comments. Where is the fucking aloha spirit?

I defy ANYONE here to say that at any event I have been to, I have treated ANYONE here in less then a gentlemanly way. Go ahead. Show me some examples of me doing horrible things to people here.

If anyone has any legitimate right to hate me, it would be Sir Paul McCartney and Jimmy Buffet, and perhaps the owners of the Bahooka, past and present.....other than that.....wank off.



[ This Message was edited by: lucas vigor 2014-03-18 20:18 ]


 
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VampiressRN
Grand Member (7 years)  

Joined: Nov 23, 2006
Posts: 5666
From: Sun City Lincoln Hills (NorCal)
Posted: 2014-03-18 9:48 pm   Permalink

Grog...that was delightfully entertaining!!!

 
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Atomic Tiki Punk
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Jul 19, 2009
Posts: 5880
From: Costa Misery
Posted: 2014-03-18 10:33 pm   Permalink

Two Tiki carvers overheard talking at the Tiki Ti:

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute.
I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.



 
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