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Smart Ass hall of fame
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Aug 01, 2004
Posts: 913
From: Shinola, California
Posted: 2004-09-20 08:45 am   Permalink

in the career of every smart-ass there is a moment, when all the stars are aligned, and time stops. When they (you?) say something so funny, shocking or perfectly vulgar, that they/you deserved to be knighted.

Not just funny, but 9 car pile up hilarious.

What was one you witnessed or better yet, said, what was going on around it...and what happend?

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Unga Bunga
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Jun 06, 2003
Posts: 5857
From: CaliTikifornia
Posted: 2004-09-20 09:44 am   Permalink

This is a transcript from the tv show Newlywed Game, 1977

Bob Eubanks (Game show host): Here's the last of our five-point questions. Girls, tell me where, specifically, is the weeeeeiirdest place that you personally, girls, have ever gotten the urge to make whoopee. The weirdest place. Olga?

Olga: Umm . . . (audience laughter)


Bob: Yes, Olga?

Olga: Uh . . .

Henry (husband): Go ahead.

Bob: Yes, Olga.

Olga: I'm trying to think. Umm . . . [Turns to husband.] Gee Henry, what did you say?

Bob: Hey, don't ask him. He can't help you out at all.

Olga: Is it in the ass? [Last three words bleeped]

Bob: No no no . . . no . . . what I'm talking about is the weirdest location, the weirdest place . . .

Olga: The weirdest location. I don't know.
[Audience laughs uproariously]

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Tiki Socialite

Joined: Mar 24, 2002
Posts: 1799
From: Ocean Beach, San Francisco
Posted: 2004-09-20 09:57 am   Permalink


On 2004-09-20 09:44, Unga Bunga wrote:
This is a transcript from the tv show Newlywed Game, 1977

Bob Eubanks has been denying this one for years, but it really happened. Details (and video clips!) at:


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Tiki Socialite

Joined: Apr 09, 2003
Posts: 3293
From: Victoria, BC
Posted: 2004-09-20 12:07 pm   Permalink

Ok, I'm not sure if this one counts.

Lansdowne Junior High, 15 years of age, that would be 1993.

Marcie, an evil bully type was on my case because I had removed a 'friend' of hers from her slave circle.

Walking down the hall with friends she passes me and gives out this GIANT "Moooooo" directly at me for the entire school to hear. I say in my loudest voice,

"I'm sorry Marcie, I don't speak your language."

It was great. I was 15. She never bothered anyone again.

Great Minds Drink Alike

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Tiki Socialite

Joined: Feb 13, 2004
Posts: 324
From: Velveteen Lounge, NY
Posted: 2004-09-20 2:25 pm   Permalink

My Army colonel father had a seizure and ended up in the emergency room when I was 18. After they were done with whatever they did to him and we were able to see him he said something to the effect of how that was one way to put some excitement into the evening. I replied, "Next time rent a movie," which no doubt shocked some folks, but cracked him up.

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Tiki Socialite

Joined: Nov 20, 2003
Posts: 752
From: Central Coast of California
Posted: 2004-09-20 2:35 pm   Permalink

I worked for a guy straight out of "Office Space", coffee cup constanlty in hand, dragon breath and B.O. so bad it would curl your hair. One of my co-workers who happened to also be a night manager sidelined as a "entertainment" writer for a local paper, he did a story about a free concert at one of the "competition" stores. The owner/manager, "Rick the Dick" as he was known within the ranks, told him he could no longer write stories about this other store or he would have to resign. After some heated discussion of "freedom of speech" he was asked to hand over his keys and resign. The writer looked at all of us, beamed a giant grin and said, "You know what, f@#k you!" and dropped his keys in Rick's coffee cup. We all walked out with him. Beautiful moment!

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Tiki Socialite

Joined: Jun 14, 2002
Posts: 1219
Posted: 2004-09-20 4:04 pm   Permalink

A few months ago I was installing a new phone system and for some reason we could not get the clients phones to dial 800 numbers or Long Distance. A few hours into it, The President of the company came over to my boss, a few other of our employees and members of the phone company and started ranting about how he was losing money blah blah blah.

My boss said, "Hey, why don't you call the company that threw this all together."

The Client said"Don't worry, I'll be calling them next!"

I said, in my regular not too excited style, "Not if they're an 800 number"

Everybody there lost it, except for the client who didn't seem to realize what just happened.

Hey, it got me a raise.

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Tiki Socialite

Joined: Apr 22, 2003
Posts: 439
From: Kansas City
Posted: 2004-09-20 4:19 pm   Permalink

This was one of those situations where nobody had to say a thing, it was just perfect all by itself.

There were about 10 of us all working in the same department, no one over 21. One of the gals had been quite wild and randy until a nice religious boy fell in love with her and proposed.

She then became very prissy and judgemental. One afternoon she was giving all the rest of us her usual high & mighty lecture regarding our immature and sinful behavior - all the while slowly backing up towards her chair.

As a grand finale, she told us how we were all going to hell while she lowered her butt down to the seat. But her aim was off and she sat right down on the narrow arm of the chair, goosing herself big time.

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Tiki Socialite

Joined: Jul 27, 2002
Posts: 1323
From: D.C. / Virginia
Posted: 2004-09-20 5:40 pm   Permalink

Not my story, but one of my favorite historical stories.

Winston Churchill had consumed several cocktails at some formal event, and an upset woman came up to him and said loudly ..... "Mr Churchill - You are drunk!"

Churchill looked back at her, and replied "Madam, you are ugly. Tomorrow I shall be sober."

I will likely remember one of my own replies later, but it won't compare to that one.


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Tiki Socialite

Joined: Aug 01, 2004
Posts: 913
From: Shinola, California
Posted: 2004-09-20 6:37 pm   Permalink

about 10 years ago I was returning home from a week at a cycle event called RAGBRAI. my buddy was driving then as we were entering the eastern slope of the sierras on I80...traffic slowed down to a crawl...everybody was getting madder and madder, and as we rounded one corner, we saw the problem.

Honest to god, several vehicles from a small Circus were driving in a row, and two had hit each other but they all stopped.

Nobody was hurt, there was radiator steam and people out all yelling at each other.

three of the guys yelling still had make-up on...most of it was wiped off, but you could see they were all part of the circus.

I couldn't resist screaming (although I was almost unable to say it I was laughing so hard... "Why don't you f---in' clowns learn to drive"

I know I will never be presented with such a spectacle to use that one.

Oh my, that was a funny day.

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Tiki Socialite

Joined: Mar 24, 2002
Posts: 1799
From: Ocean Beach, San Francisco
Posted: 2004-09-20 6:42 pm   Permalink

I used to date a guy who worked in the in-house IT department at a large software company. They were expected to work long hours and everything was an emergency.

During a staff meeting one day, it was announced that they would now have to be on call 24-7. My ex tossed his pager across the table and walked out, never to return.


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Bamboo Dude
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Jul 05, 2004
Posts: 164
From: Orange Countiki, CA
Posted: 2004-09-20 8:58 pm   Permalink

Years ago I worked with an Irish guy, but, unlike the stereotype hot-head, this dude was actually one of the most collected and calm individuals under stress that I've ever met. He also is the author of the most appropriate sarcastic retorts I've ever heard.

As my buddy was paying for gas at a local station, some yahoo pulls up in a Toyota and ALMOST hits his cherished Volvo as he opens his car door. This draws a disapproving stare from my buddy, so the guy says, "You got a problem with something?" My friend responds, "Just idiots in cheap Japanese cars who bang their doors into my car!" Then this guy pushes out his chest and proclaims, "I'll have you know my company bought me this car!"
Without hesitating, dude throws back "Kinda tells ya what your company thinks about YOU, doesn't it?!!" Classic!

Don't be a mommy's moai!

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Feelin' Zombified
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Jul 15, 2003
Posts: 1338
From: The Exotic Shores of Lake St. Clair
Posted: 2004-09-20 9:26 pm   Permalink

During a managers meeting at a job long ago, the company owner was reviewing new safety procedures. He asked the group how they would handle several emergency situations, each one being more far fetched than the last. What to do if a fire, tornado, armed robbery, etc. Finally, a co-worker burst out with, "If a Swarm of Locusts attacks the building..."

OK, so maybe it wasn't that funny, how about this:

Back in high school, on a spring break return bus trip, my best friend had gotten himself into a verbal sparring match with a rather loudmouthed girl that had been teasing him on and off the whole trip. My friend has always been the king of comebacks so I sat back and watched the scene unfold knowing he'd finally beat her at her own game. As the words and wit flew back and forth and the tension was building, the entire bus began listening in hushed awe.

She eventually said something about when the trip was all over, he'd be begging her for a date, and beg her to go to the prom...

he instantly shot back with, "I'd go to Lou's Pet shop for a date before I'd ask you!" and the entire bus erupted with cheers & laughter. She didn't bother him again.

The sad part is, if he had actually paid attention, he might have sensed the ever more heated sexual tension that was building and asked her out... But I guess when you're 17, you just don't get it.


[ This Message was edited by: Feelin' Zombified on 2004-09-20 21:28 ]

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Tiki Socialite

Joined: Jun 26, 2002
Posts: 484
From: Denver, CO
Posted: 2004-09-20 11:36 pm   Permalink

I agree with ikitnrev, Winston Churchill had some really great quotes. This guy had a really sharp wit.

A heated conversation Between Churchill and a political opponent:

Madam: " You Sir are an ass. If I was married to you I would surely put poison in your tea".

Churchill: "Madam, if you were my wife, I would surely drink it".

[ This Message was edited by: ZuluMagoo on 2004-09-20 23:37 ]

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Tiki Socialite

Joined: Feb 29, 2004
Posts: 599
From: outside the windy city
Posted: 2004-09-21 06:38 am   Permalink

Imelda Marcos was visiting with her friend Jihan Sadat in Egypt.They were touring the tombs and they came across the tomb of Nefretiti.Imelda walked into the tomb,transfixed by the crumbling splendor.She then said to Jihan "I feel that I was Nefretiti in a past life!".Jihan said,"Oh,Imelda,I don't think so...".Imelda then whipped out her checkbook and wrote a check for $1,000,000.00 to help restore the tomb to its formal glory.Upon receiving the check,Jihan then said,"You know,Imelda,I believe you WERE Nefretiti!".Classic.

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