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The Christmas Dinner... |
Tiki_Bong
Deleted
Joined: Mar 25, 2002
Posts: 0 |  Posted: 2004-12-01 5:44 pm Permalink
And everything was fine until I found the fake fingernail in my mashed potatoes. I tried as best I could to contain my livid disgust; I could not however, and threw up on the festive holiday table with my relatives eyes frozen in disbelief.
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Gigantalope
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Aug 01, 2004
Posts: 913
From: Shinola, California
| Posted: 2004-12-01 6:42 pm Permalink
Oh oh...One fine Christmas my older sister wanted to sit in the front seat of our car...but I got there first....so....she pulled me thru the open window by my hair, and dropped me in the gutter...but on the way down, I swung, and connected well enough to giver her a Christmas shiner.
Later during dinner, I was sat facing her, and smirked at her and when nobody was looking, I pointed at my eye, and winked.
She erupted, and all hell broke loose.
It was really great for all the grandma ladies and churchies to see how things were in the Jungle that was out house.
I think I got beat up later.
(edited because it made no point before)
[ This Message was edited by: gigantalope on 2004-12-02 00:06 ]
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Traderpup
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Mar 26, 2002
Posts: 1041
From: Long Beach, CA
| Posted: 2004-12-01 7:14 pm Permalink
Grandma choked on a cherry tomato and then threw up on her plate..... holiday memories......
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dangergirl299
Grand Member (first year) 
Joined: Feb 18, 2003
Posts: 893
From: Bay Area
| Posted: 2004-12-01 7:16 pm Permalink
Does a x-mas Eve dinner count? it was my parents, me, my teenage bro and my sister's druggie loswer boyfriend. my sister had been smart enough to go visit the estranged aunt & uncle that night.
my teenage bro and my father were NOT getting along during that time.
my brother took issue with the fact that the shrimp on the shrimp salad were not fully defrosted and still, possibly, frozen. my father took issue with this complaint against my mother's culinary skills. an argument ensued, testosterone flew, and a fight broke out.
my mother retreated to the bathroom, locked the door and took a bath. wouldn't talk to us. she had never done that before.
druggie loser boyfriend got on the phone with my sis and was whispering "would you come back, please ... now?"
in typical Danger family fashion, the rest of us sat there trying to eat and not talking about it.
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bongofury
Grand Member (6 years) 
Joined: Oct 15, 2002
Posts: 1478
From: Ventura County
| Posted: 2004-12-01 8:54 pm Permalink
My Aunt would always bring the same thing to Grandma's dinner......not quite jelled jello. I guess she would never start it early enough. She would also get a headache after dinner and want to leave so she wouldn't have to help clean up. My Uncle would stuff his coat pockets with dinner rolls when he thought no one was watching.
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Jungle Trader
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Jan 04, 2003
Posts: 3691
From: Trader's Jungle Outpost, Turlock, Ca.
| Posted: 2004-12-01 9:09 pm Permalink
WOW, it's hard to believe these stories are true. They sound like "Meet The Fokkers" or something.
Don't worry Bong, the reason I had to edit is because I left a word out.
[ This Message was edited by: Jungle Trader on 2004-12-01 21:10 ]
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Gigantalope
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Aug 01, 2004
Posts: 913
From: Shinola, California
| Posted: 2004-12-01 9:10 pm Permalink
Did anybody ever dine whilst viewing the King Family?
I wish I had a fake nail (or a rusty one) to choke on thinking back on those shows.
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Geeky Tiki
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Oct 15, 2002
Posts: 533
From: Las vegas
| Posted: 2004-12-01 10:56 pm Permalink
The Christmas when I was 6, I decided that I would add my own personal touch to my mom's annual Caesar's Salad routine.
Each year she'd perform the 'Caesar's Salad Ceremony' that concluded with her making a big-armed gesture of cracking a hard boiled egg against the inside rim of a giant wooden salad bowl. She'd then peel and slice the egg into the salad.
I switched her hard boiled egg in the fridge for a regular uncooked egg.
As she concluded her ceremony, she struck the egg against the salad bowl, and promptly released raw egg down the side of the bowl into the salad.
I thought it was pretty funny and I smirked. She took umbrage with my jovial state and started beating me with her salad mixing fork and spoon. Vinagrette flew in arcs like gore from Lizzie Borden's ax.
My brother, who was 25 at the time and visiting with his wife said it may be best if she were to cease battering me about the head and shoulders with stainless steel utensils, so she started to berate "the bastard" whilst I continued to try to deflect her blows.
"The bastard's" wife felt the need to chime in, but was far to repressed to do so in any direct manner, so she proceeded to shout "in tongues" - which was some noise that would make Mush Mouth tell Fat Albert to shut the fuck up, but in retrospect, sounds a little like Dutch. Anyway, it was basically a totally unintelligible cacophony. It's probably how we sound to a cat when we yell at them.
My mom told her to shut the fuck up as well, and I recall this vividly - was so upset that she was spitting as she yelled.
My dad was visiting, and he said he'd seen enough and announced that he was leaving, with all the gifts he had brought.
My mom said something that included the horse he rode in on.
He stormed out, as was his style at the time, followed by my brother and his blubbering bride. As he left, my brother made his yearly vow to never speak to my mother again, proving that even the most dysfunctional family can still have its traditions, after all.
My sister and her husband just shook their heads silently and left, while my mom called them foul names for what she took as them taking my brother's side.
Yup, that was the year that I actually started the annual Christmas family fight. After that year, the rest of the family resumed their more traditionl roles of antagonist/antagonist, which was OK. I had had my moment in the sun.
And that was a mild year!
<This thread rendered invalid by editing for spelling.>
[ This Message was edited by: Geeky Tiki on 2004-12-01 23:01 ]
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docwoods
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Feb 29, 2004
Posts: 595
From: outside the windy city
| Posted: 2004-12-02 06:34 am Permalink
Geekytiki-that sounds like a whale of a good time!Nothing like putting the "fun" in dysfunctional.
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tiki mick
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Aug 11, 2003
Posts: 398
From: Socal
| Posted: 2004-12-02 10:46 am Permalink
So, I had this hot looking filipina girlfriend at the time, who invited me to spend thanksgiving with her family, She mentioned her dad liked to take shots, so I brought over the Jaegermonster. He already had some other type of liquer, so we are trading shots as he is questioning me about my life, ambitions, future..you know, the usual stuff a dad grills his daughter's new boyfriend with...
Well, dinner is served, and I eat a bit. Then he pours me another shot of the jaeger. This one came back up. I puked into the shot glass, which overflowed. Then horribly, I puked again, this time reaching for my actual dinner plate. I splattered Jaegermiester flavored vomit all over the table, over and over, until I had veins popping in my neck. Her whole family, grandma, everyone was just sitting there in total horror!
She broke up with me soon after.
On a related note (and this is slightly x rated, so don't read on if you get offended)
I finally scored a date with the finest, most voluptuous italian-american girl you have ever seen! I went out on one date, everything was fine. The next date occured on a Friday, and as luck would have it, I had been farting for hours before the date, and actually had a bad stomache ache and nausea..Well, normally I would cancel, but I really liked this chick, (and so did a lot of other guys who were waiting in the wings) so I still went and took her out. We had dinner, and I started feeling a bit better, and only had to excuse myself a few times and go to the head. After dinner, she wanted to go home. Phew! I had made it through, and was just planning on a nice kiss goodnight, but she had other plans. She grabbed me by my tie and dragged me inside her place, telling me the date was not finished yet.
Well after making out for a while, we started to, well, you know!
Her room was very quiet..so quiet you could only hear the clock ticking. It was like time had stood still. So, here I am, working it like I never worked it before, when all of a sudden, it happened! The loudest, wettest sounding fart emitted from my ass IN MY WHOLE LIFE!! It was dark, but her eyes lit up like a gaffed fish, (and to her credit), she tried to pretend she had not noticed..her movements slowed a bit, but she kept on going. Then, we both noticed the smell..rotten beef, old beer, rancid gin, garbage disposal backed-up..that would be a polite way to describe it! It was more like when your dog farts..you know how stinky that can be? The whole small room filled up with this fetid and funky smell. I was humiliated, and left immediately.
The perverse part of the story is that on the way home, in my car, I just could not staop laughing..I actually had to pull over. Do you ever have that type of laughter where you are afraid you won't be able to stop? That's it baby!
The very next day I called to apolgize, and she answered the phone "oh, hey YOU!"
We never dated again.
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dangergirl299
Grand Member (first year)
Joined: Feb 18, 2003
Posts: 893
From: Bay Area
| Posted: 2004-12-02 11:10 am Permalink
Well, this story pales in comparison to those already posted, but there was the year my cousin and I ruined Christmas.
We were both very young, and discovered that in my parents bathroom all of the x-mas presents were "hidden" or stored or whatever - it was a few days before x-mas or maybe x-mas eve day - I don't remember. Without a second thought, we locked ourselves in the bathroom and started opening all the presents!
we immediately tossed aside the "boring" presents (anything that was not a toy, e.g., sweaters) but opened everything, not just addressed to us but everyone - mom dad, sister, brother, aunts & uncles...
we started playing with the toys and were having a grand old time until my suspicious sister knocked on the door and said "what are you guys doing in there?" she was probably hoping to float a rumor that we were making out but this was much much better. there was no way we could hide it or undo the damage so we stayed locked in there for hours, refusing to open the door to receive our punishment.
I don't really remember what happened after that. I was pretty young, and easily misled, apparently, by my redneck cousin.
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Unga Bunga
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Jun 06, 2003
Posts: 5734
From: CaliTikifornia
| Posted: 2004-12-02 12:55 pm Permalink
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a Santa Claus on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Merry Christmas" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a champagne bottle with "Happy New Year" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She says, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and New Year's Eve."
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FreakBear
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Apr 15, 2004
Posts: 361
From: Springfield, Ohio
| Posted: 2004-12-02 10:21 pm Permalink
One Christmas morning, as a small child, I fell into the toilet and got stuck while trying to poop. I was pretty humiliated as my older sister just pointed and laughed while mom and dad pulled me out!
_________________
...We don't do well drinks, but we do drink well!!!
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Gigantalope
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Aug 01, 2004
Posts: 913
From: Shinola, California
| Posted: 2004-12-03 08:02 am Permalink
"FreakBear's Christmas Tail"
Makes for great keepsakes!
[ This Message was edited by: Gigantalope on 2004-12-03 08:03 ]
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FLOUNDERart
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Sep 02, 2003
Posts: 1140
From: Orlando Florida
| Posted: 2004-12-03 11:25 am Permalink
Quote:
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On 2004-12-02 10:46, tiki mick wrote:
. Do you ever have that type of laughter where you are afraid you won't be able to stop?
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Holy shit dude!!! I haven't laughed like that in quite a while. I''m having trouble stopping as I write. I had tears man, tears!
[ This Message was edited by: FLOUNDERart on 2004-12-03 11:27 ]
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