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johntiki
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Mar 31, 2002
Posts: 1525
From: MD
|  Posted: 2005-07-22 12:14 pm Permalink
Found this one on the net...
There were these two guys in a bar on the 20th floor of a skyscraper. The first man said, "I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in." The second man says "Ok, sure." And the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says, "I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to his death on the sidewalk below. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man, "Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman." 
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john
Tiki Socialite
Joined: May 05, 2005
Posts: 345
From: Chandler, Arizona
| Posted: 2005-07-22 5:35 pm Permalink
a guy comes home and finds his wife packing up all her belongings. he asks whats up, she tells him im going to vegas, i can make 2 grand a night for what i do with you for free. the guy starts packing his belongings, his wife asks where hes going, he says vegas- she asks why, his reply - i want to see you live on 4 grand a year
[ This Message was edited by: john 2005-07-22 17:36 ]
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Tiki_Bong
Deleted
Joined: Mar 25, 2002
Posts: 0 | Posted: 2005-07-23 7:39 pm Permalink
A Riptide goes into a bar, the bartender says "hey, I have a drink named after you!", Riptide says "you have a drink named SonofaBeach?"
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"I'm ashamed to be here, but not too ashamed to leave..."
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pappythesailor
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Jul 07, 2005
Posts: 1563
From: Mass.
| Posted: 2005-08-18 07:18 am Permalink
*BUMP*
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
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Suffering Bastard of Stumptown
Tiki Socialite
Joined: May 09, 2005
Posts: 648
From: PDX
| Posted: 2005-08-18 08:48 am Permalink
A baby seal walks into a club...
--SBiM
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alohabros
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Feb 04, 2004
Posts: 533
From: westernus
| Posted: 2005-08-18 08:52 am Permalink
Two elderly men are pushing their carts around the department store when they
collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
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alohabros
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Feb 04, 2004
Posts: 533
From: westernus
| Posted: 2005-08-18 08:53 am Permalink
Q: Why did the conjoined twins go to London?
A: So the other one could drive.
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alohabros
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Feb 04, 2004
Posts: 533
From: westernus
| Posted: 2005-08-18 08:56 am Permalink
Why did the automechanic go to art school?
So he could learn to make a van go.
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alohabros
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Feb 04, 2004
Posts: 533
From: westernus
| Posted: 2005-08-18 08:57 am Permalink
How many fraternity brothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Trick question.... Fraternity brothers screw in a pool of vomit.
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alohabros
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Feb 04, 2004
Posts: 533
From: westernus
| Posted: 2005-08-18 08:58 am Permalink
Did you hear about the monogamist who had to have small tables on both sides of his bed?
He didn't believe in the one night stand.
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alohabros
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Feb 04, 2004
Posts: 533
From: westernus
| Posted: 2005-08-18 08:58 am Permalink
man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast.
The guy is amazed. Everything has been SO incredible. "You know," he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
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alohabros
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Feb 04, 2004
Posts: 533
From: westernus
| Posted: 2005-08-18 09:03 am Permalink
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he
ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
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johntiki
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Mar 31, 2002
Posts: 1525
From: MD
| Posted: 2005-08-18 4:45 pm Permalink
A panda walks into a bar. He orders a hamburger, fries and a Coke from the bartender who gladly takes it all down on his pad and delivers it to the kitchen. The panda finds a seat at a table and moments later a waiter brings him his meal, which he eats quickly. He thanks the waiter, pays the bill and even leaves a decent tip.
Suddenly the panda reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter. The bartender is horrified and jumps over the counter to the waiter’s aid.
“What the hell did you do that for?!” the bartender shrieks.
The panda ignores the question and responds calmly with a question of his own, “Do you know what I am?”
“You’re a panda…”
“That’s right… now go home and look up panda in the dictionary.” And with that the panda turns and leaves the bar.
That night the bartender was in a frenzy leafing through his dictionary hoping to uncover a motive for the waiter’s murder. Finally he finds panda and reads the definition…
Panda
n 1: A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
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badmojo
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Apr 23, 2003
Posts: 666 | Posted: 2005-08-20 06:57 am Permalink
One day, in line at a company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tenniselbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-mart.
That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. When he gothome, he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and his own sperm sample for good measure, and hurried to Wal-mart before it closed, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer lights up, and ten seconds later prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener kit. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4 Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-mart.
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freddiefreelance
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Feb 15, 2003
Posts: 2983
From: San Diego, Ca.
| Posted: 2005-08-22 08:21 am Permalink
Q: Whats the difference between a Goth Dude & a Goth Chick?
A: About 250 pounds
_________________
Rev. Dr. Frederick J. Freelance, Ph.D., Th.D., D.F.S
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