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Tiki Central Forums » » Bilge » » 31 Reasons why Chuck Norris is better than you
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31 Reasons why Chuck Norris is better than you
Doctor Z
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Aug 01, 2002
Posts: 1613
From: The Hale Moana Lounge, Torrance, CA
Posted: 2005-11-28 6:40 pm   Permalink

TikiCutie sent this to me & I just had to share it:

31 Reasons Chuck Norris is better than you

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.

2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris can kill him and take it.

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she
was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the
crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh
away.

6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have
felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "F*cking."

12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has
not had to pay taxes ever.

13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another
fist.

14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck
Norris.

15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to
go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a
scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which
years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in
peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral s*x, KFC and Tequila.

17. Chuck Norris always has s*x on the first date. Always. The only time he
didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B,
A, Select, Start using only his erection.

19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes
corn needs to lie the f*ck down.

20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris
allows to live.

21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There
were no survivors.

23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could
use to kill you, including the room itself.

24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
tennis.

26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy cr*p! That's Chuck
Norris!" Then she had had s*x with him. At that point, she was the third
girl he had slept with.

27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with
lactose's sh*t.

30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's
pushing the Earth down.

_________________
Purveyor of
Doctor Z’s 'Not-Quite-Patented' Hangover Remedy
“Sworn BY, not sworn AT”
Ask for it by name!


 
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martiki
Official Mixologist

Joined: Mar 29, 2002
Posts: 3058
From: http://www.smugglerscovesf.com
Posted: 2005-11-29 09:57 am   Permalink

classic!

 
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dangergirl299
Grand Member (first year)  

Joined: Feb 18, 2003
Posts: 893
From: Bay Area
Posted: 2005-11-29 12:07 pm   Permalink

I read that he met his most recent wife after she sent him a fan letter with a topless photo.

 
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Tipsy McStagger
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Nov 21, 2004
Posts: 3533
From: HELL
Posted: 2005-11-29 4:59 pm   Permalink

we're all suckers for a good pair...

 
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Tipsy McStagger
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Nov 21, 2004
Posts: 3533
From: HELL
Posted: 2005-11-29 4:59 pm   Permalink

...pun intended...

 
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Sabu The Coconut Boy
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Aug 20, 2002
Posts: 2793
From: Carson, California
Posted: 2005-11-29 5:43 pm   Permalink

Just my type of humor. Thanks for posting that, Z.

Sabu


 
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badmojo
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Apr 23, 2003
Posts: 666
Posted: 2005-11-29 6:09 pm   Permalink

That's funny, heres:
60 Little Know Facts About Chuck Norris.

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

16. He'll eat a homeless person if you dare him.

17. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

18. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

19. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

20. Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris, she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck if he was impressed, he replied with "Weights don't hit back" and broke her neck with a roundhouse.

21. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

22. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't ........ with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

23. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

24. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

25. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

26. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

27. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

28. Chuck Norris doesnt see dead people. He makes people dead.

29. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

30. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

31. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

32. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist

33. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the sh*t out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

34. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

35. Chuck Norris invented margarine by singlehandedly spitting and ejaculating at the same time. Popular imitations are secretly known as "I Can't Beleive It's Not Chuck Norris".

36. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

37. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

38. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

39. Chuck Norris doesn't have a Chin under his beard, only another fist

40. When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

41. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

42. Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't trade any of them for anything.

43. Chuck Norris pulls off the toenails on both of his big toes and chews on them every day. He does so to keeps his teeth strong.

44. In "To Kill A Mockingbird", on page 163, Dill says that a man orders babies from a foggy island. Chuck Norris creates these babies. He later on invented sperm and eggs as a way to express-deliver said babies.

45. Chuck Norris put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop, but he did not put the ram in the ra-ma-lama-ding-dong.

46. During the time of Chuck Norris B.B. (Before Beard), Bruce Lee was Chuck Norris' sensei. One morning Chuck Norris woke up having grown a full beard during the night. He then killed Bruce Lee.

47. When Chuck Norris gives a thumbs up, it means that his penis is now erect.

48. Chuck Norris can see in 564657578123 dimensions but only three colors.

49. Every time someone masturbates to furry porn Chuck Norris creates a catgirl just so he can kill it. Take that furries.

50. Chuck Norris invented the Penguin

51. Chuck Norris passed the bar exam but decided not to become a lawyer. His reasoning was that the only law people followed rested within his right boot.

52. The band Led Zeppelin got the idea for the song "Stairway to Heaven" one day at a visit to Chuck Norris' house. In a game of Truth or Dare, Jimmy Page dared Chuck Norris to sing "Dazed and Confused" while gargling water. The rest is history.

53. Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.

54. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

55. Unlike most other humans, Chuck Norris can actually travel through the Internet, exit at your PC, and kick your ass if he wants to.

56. Chuck Norris can stop time for up to two hours by thinking about pineapples

57. It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.

58. Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.

59. In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is still Chuck Norris.

60. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.


 
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alohabros
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Feb 04, 2004
Posts: 533
From: westernus
Posted: 2005-12-01 2:28 pm   Permalink

Quote:

On 2005-11-29 18:09, badmojo wrote:

...60 Little Know Facts About Chuck Norris.




... chuck norris is gay...


 
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Hakalugi
Site Administrator

Joined: Aug 10, 2004
Posts: 3097
From: Redondo Beach, CA
Posted: 2005-12-01 2:44 pm   Permalink

Chuck Norris lifting weights



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DawnTiki
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Sep 01, 2002
Posts: 1675
From: next stop Hulaville!
Posted: 2006-01-11 8:30 pm   Permalink

WATAHHH!!!!!
_________________


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Shipwreckjoey
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Nov 29, 2002
Posts: 1794
From: San Diego, CA
Posted: 2006-01-11 10:40 pm   Permalink

I heard that Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal were both killed in a plane crash. When they got to heaven they were taken to meet God, sitting in his huge white throne. God looked at Steven Seagal and asked "what do you believe?". Steven Seagal answered "I believe if you grant me immortality and send me back to Earth I can cure all disease, destroy all evil, feed all the hungry and restore the planet to the pristine garden you intended it to be". God said "very good Steven Seagal. You may take a seat at my left side". God then cast his gaze on Chuck Norris and asked "what do you believe?". Chuck Norris looked at God and said "I believe you're sitting in MY seat".

 
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naugatiki
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Jan 02, 2004
Posts: 837
From: Port Angeles, Wa
Posted: 2006-01-12 05:22 am   Permalink

The saga continues with Mr T-

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

Why does Mr. T wear still have his mohawk? Cause his reflection pities the fool who don't!

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

Who let the dogs out? Mr. T did, that's who. What the heck are you going to do about it?

Mr. T survived a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris. He was the first and only one to do so.


Mr. T's incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn't have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T's.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters.

Mr. T doesn't obey the second law of thermodynamics. It obeys him.

Mr. T's hair style is actually a complex array of antennas that can triangulate the exact location of any fool in the universe. His gold chains can then transmit pity to those coordinates.

Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a pornstar regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.

When the end of the world comes, it won't be referred to as "Judgment Day". Rather, it shall be called "T-Day", when Mr. T ends the world by simultaneously pitying all six billion fools on this planet to death.

Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

When Mr. T cuts onions, it's the onions doing the crying.

Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.

The Manhattan Project really did not create the atom bomb, but instead put Mr. T?s pity in a bottle and then dropped it on Japan.

During the filming of Rocky III, Burgess Meredith asked Mr. T why he wore so much gold. To make a long story short, the script had to be changed to include Mickey's "accidental" death.

Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.

When Dr. Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Mr. T.



Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.

Rome wasn't built in a day. But if Mr. T had assisted, it sure as heck would've been.

If you were ever foolish enough to get into a fight with Mr. T, there would only be two hits: Mr. T hitting you, and you hitting the surface of the Sun.

Mr. T invented cryogenics for the sole purpose of turning fools into Pity Pops, which he then sells to buy more gold chains.

Mr. T once got into a fight with a ninja. He killed the ninja, but only after the ninja had cut off two of his fingers. Those fingers grew up to be Gary Coleman and Webster.

Mr T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Mr T loves you.


 
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atomictonytiki
Tiki Socialite

Joined: May 14, 2002
Posts: 1279
From: Bangkok
Posted: 2006-01-12 09:43 am   Permalink

Mr Chuck Norris has heard about these facts, by the sound of it he dosen't disapprove of these "Facts" but he dosen't confirm them either..

http://www.boingboing.net/2006/01/10/chuck_norris_respond.html

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stuff-o-rama
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Nov 20, 2003
Posts: 751
From: Central Coast of California
Posted: 2006-01-23 10:35 am   Permalink

The Legend of Young Chuck Norris

http://www.youtube.com/?v=NBSpNPzVsMM

enjoy!


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johnnievelour
Tiki Socialite

Joined: Mar 25, 2002
Posts: 446
From: LongBeach
Posted: 2006-06-02 11:49 pm   Permalink

Finally, daily Chuck Norris facts

http://www.apple.com/downloads/dashboard/games/chucknorrisfacts.html

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