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The Horror that is the Anne Geddes Store |
Sabu The Coconut Boy
Grand Member (8 years) 
Joined: Aug 20, 2002
Posts: 2784
From: Carson, California
|  Posted: 2005-11-29 3:10 pm Permalink
Celebrated infant photographer, (correct technical term: "Moppetography"), Anne Geddes has just opened her flagship store at Downtown Disney in Anaheim. I advised her over and over again not to open this store, but she just wouldn't listen to me. Since most of you only get to Disneyland every so often, I thought I'd help you out by giving you a tour of this little shop of horrors.
 Shopping at this store requires running a gauntlet of bone-chilling cuteness, the likes of which I've never encountered before, except that time when I was hallucinating during my bout with tropical Dengue-Fever.
 To enter the store you must walk quickly and quietly between these two plate-glass display windows filled with freakishly small newborn babies dressed as bears, rabbits, and bees in some sort of giant "incubator"
Whatever you do, DO NOT tap on the glass. When awoken, these small creatures will hurl themselves at the glass windows, snarling and salivating, until they have knocked themselves unconscious again. It is an experience I would pray you avoid.
Throughout the store there are more of these Africanized Killer Babies, just waiting for an unwary shopper to pick them up and say "Ohhhh! How Cute!". Please avoid doing this. These are not pets. They are wild animals and they bite.
The motto of this store is: "Protect. Nurture. Love"
Q: If that is the motto, then why are these tiny infants left abandoned at random throughout the store, with only their animal-suits to protect them from the frigid air-conditioning?
A: That is a very good question... Oh look - Watches!
We also have a wide selection of books and totes
I see you eyeing the exit. What, are you a wimp!? If I can take this, then so can you.
Here are some actual suits that you can buy for your infant. You can also buy tiny plastic infants as pets for your infant. In California there will soon be a ballot initiative requiring that every infant born in the state have its own pet infant to keep it company while its parents are out working. The petitions for this ballot measure are on orchid-pink paper. It is very attractive paper.
Q: This last infant looks kind of...um, dead.
A: Yes I know. There has always been a fine line between cuteness and horror.
Q: How fine is the line in this case?
A: Mice use it to floss the teeth of smaller, baby mice.
Here is a book about Celine Dion. From what people have told me, Celine Dion is a singer from Canada who was the first woman ever to give birth to an actual baby. To celebrate this unique achievement, Anne Geddes devoted an entire book to her motherhood. This book is "magnificent" according to one of the salespeople. I did not want to disagree with the child-bearing achievements of Celine Dion, so I just nodded enthusiastically.
Here is another book showing some babies being suspended in what might be pantyhose or alien "specimen" nets. The title of this book is "Protect. Nurture. Love. Trade. Collect The Whole Set."
Q: Why are all these babies displayed in eggs? Do babies actually come from eggs?
A: Not really. Anne Geddes just believed that blood-red, placenta-shaped velvet bags would be too tasteless for the general population.
Q: Oh. I see.
A: ..the placenta-shaped bags will be released next year once the general population has gotten acclimated to the small plastic, newborn babies. It is a gradual process.
I really like the message conveyed by the logo on this baseball cap. It says, "If you hit that baseball at me, I will curl up into a small, fetal position."
Q: Can I leave now?
A: I suppose so. Just don't tap the glass on the way out.
Sabu
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Tiki-Kate
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Sep 21, 2003
Posts: 1700
From: Yucaipa, CA
| Posted: 2005-11-29 3:19 pm Permalink
Anne Geddes has always given me a violent case of the heebie-jeebies.
I get the impression that she wants to make the babies in her pictures look edible.
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Sabu The Coconut Boy
Grand Member (8 years)
Joined: Aug 20, 2002
Posts: 2784
From: Carson, California
| Posted: 2005-11-29 3:19 pm Permalink
Thus the reason she sprinkles them with pink, powdered sugar.
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dangergirl299
Grand Member (first year) 
Joined: Feb 18, 2003
Posts: 893
From: Bay Area
| Posted: 2005-11-29 3:40 pm Permalink
you know, I had a nightmare last night about finding a leg-less dead body of a serial killer clown that had blue flames carved into his face and stomach -
but THIS is far scarier!
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Chip and Andy
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Jul 13, 2004
Posts: 2078
From: Corner table, Molokai Lounge, Mai-Kai.
| Posted: 2005-11-29 3:42 pm Permalink
[ This Message was edited by: Chip and Andy 2009-06-05 17:06 ]
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Satan's Sin
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Jun 13, 2004
Posts: 729
From: Imperial Beach, CA
| Posted: 2005-11-29 4:24 pm Permalink
Brilliant, Sabu. Can you do a Thomas Kinkaid Gallery next ... ?
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stuff-o-rama
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Nov 20, 2003
Posts: 751
From: Central Coast of California
| Posted: 2005-11-29 4:27 pm Permalink
I had a nightmare that looked like that once...
Those babies don't look very "life-like" Waaaaaaaayyyy Creepy!
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MachTiki
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Feb 16, 2004
Posts: 1363
From: San Diego, CA
| Posted: 2005-11-29 4:49 pm Permalink
SABU!!! That was honestly one of the funniest posts ever!!! YOU ROCK!!!
Thanks for risking life & limb for the story & pictures. Glad you made it out of the store safely.
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TIKI DAVID
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Apr 07, 2004
Posts: 1904
From: North Coast
| Posted: 2005-11-29 4:52 pm Permalink
RISE UP AND BURN THAT PLACE TO THE GROUND!!!
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Kenike
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Jul 24, 2003
Posts: 1201
From: McKinney, TX
| Posted: 2005-11-29 6:05 pm Permalink
Well done, Sabu! I laughed my ass off.
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tikivixen
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Aug 28, 2002
Posts: 724
From: Vallejo CA
| Posted: 2005-11-29 7:49 pm Permalink
I adore you, Sabu.
p.s. were you reminded at any point of the killer baby dolls from Barbarella!?
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Tikibelle
Tiki Centralite
Joined: Sep 28, 2002
Posts: 58
From: Carson, CA
| Posted: 2005-11-29 7:49 pm Permalink
My Husband is Creepy! See, now every time I walk by that store I'll be compelled to tap on the glass, which will in turn lead to... a whole thing.
What had, happened was... My poor misguided step-father arranged for us to have a private tour of a wild animal sanctuary. It evidently put crazy ideas into Sabu's head. I don't understand how his brain works. It's creepy.
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Love Always,
Tikibelle
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.·:*¨¨`*:·.*·. .·* .·:*´¨¨*:·.
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Sweet Daddy Tiki
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Jul 20, 2003
Posts: 1026
From: Edmonton
| Posted: 2005-11-29 10:24 pm Permalink
Sure they're creepy now, but in 20 years young hipsters will be collecting Anne Geddes baby stuff with the same zeal they collect those wide-eyed Gig children today, which is why I'm stocking up now. This is one collecting craze I'm gonna be way ahead of the curve on, dammit!
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-Sweet Daddy T.
Because crap doesn't buy itself.
blog
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tikifish
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Mar 25, 2002
Posts: 2720
From: Toronto,Canada
| Posted: 2005-11-30 05:08 am Permalink
Oh my god Sweet Daddy, I think you may be right....
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Tangaroa
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Apr 25, 2002
Posts: 1549 | Posted: 2005-11-30 06:03 am Permalink
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHHH!!!!
Sabu has given me the screaming horrors once again....
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