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Jokes (some good, some stupid) |
Jungle Trader
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Jan 04, 2003
Posts: 3753
From: Trader's Jungle Outpost, Turlock, Ca.
|  Posted: 2003-10-01 10:03 pm Permalink
A farmer can't understand why his cork trees aren't growing very well. He's stressing out and losing a lotta sleep. Finally he decides to shred all his pornographic magazines and work them into the soil around the base of all his cork trees. The trees begin to grow very well and in time they really begin to produce a hecka lotta cork. Moral of the story is:......................(I know you're gonna love this line.................................Porn fed cork does very well.
Badabing badaboom.
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Get in touch with your inner native!!
Create Paradise!!
[ This Message was edited by: Jungle Trader 2006-08-10 17:49 ]
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Jungle Trader
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Jan 04, 2003
Posts: 3753
From: Trader's Jungle Outpost, Turlock, Ca.
| Posted: 2003-10-01 10:13 pm Permalink
The Pastor of a church is growing weary and worried waiting for his bellringer to show up and ring the bell before the sermon starts. The bellringer is very late. He waits and waits and finally a man with no arms comes running up to him and says, "Let me ring the bell, I'm the bellringers brother!" The Pastor says, "But you have no arms." To which the man replies, "I can do it, just let me try." The Pastor replies "okay, hurry and do it." So the bellringer takes a running jump and rings the bell with his face and falls 40 ft. to his death. As folks are gathering around to see, someone in the crowd says, "Who was that guy?" Someone else says, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother." OR, "I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell!"
Badabing Badaboom. Hey I told ya' they were stupid, you had advance warning.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat all day and drink beer.
[ This Message was edited by: Jungle Trader on 2004-10-14 18:54 ]
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Unga Bunga
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Jun 06, 2003
Posts: 5854
From: CaliTikifornia
| Posted: 2003-10-01 11:43 pm Permalink
Scene enactment: A Mafia boss has an accountant who is def and dumb, and needs an interpreter to communicate with sign language between the two of them.
Story:
Mafia boss finds out he is missing one million dollars from his bank account.
Boss to Accountant:
I just checked my account, and I am missing one million dollars. Where the hell is it?
Interpreter in sign language:
Your boss says he's missing a million dollars from his bank account and he wants to know where the hell it is.
Accountant in sign language: I have no freakin idea where it is.
Interpreter to Boss: He has no freakin idea where it is.
Mafia Boss (pulls out a gun): If you don't tell me where the fuckin money is this very minute, I'm gonna blow your god dam head off!!!!!
Interpreter in sign language: If you don't tell him where the fuckin money is this very minute, he's gonna blow your god dam head off!!!!!
Accountant in sign language: OK OK!! I confess, I confess, it's under my bed, it's under my bed!!!!!
Interpreter looks at the boss and says, "He say’s your bluffin”.
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Oh It Looks Good On You Though!
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tiki-riviera
Tiki Socialite
Joined: May 11, 2003
Posts: 679
From: Long Beach
| Posted: 2003-10-02 12:25 am Permalink
Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any kids?
Every time his wife starts getting hot, he beats her with a shovel. thank you.....
Did you hear about the Polish lottery? You win a dollar a year for a million years!
[ This Message was edited by: tiki-riviera on 2003-10-02 09:19 ]
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Doctor Z
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Aug 01, 2002
Posts: 1617
From: The Hale Moana Lounge, Torrance, CA
| Posted: 2003-10-02 12:54 am Permalink
One of my faves:
An Irishman walks out of a bar... hey, it could happen!!
One I like to tell my class:
A man walks into a bar... and says "Ow!"
An Ediie Murphy classic:
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks "Excuse me. Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" "Why, no" the rabbit replies. So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
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Cherry Capri
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Jun 24, 2002
Posts: 243
From: an uncharted desert isle
| Posted: 2003-10-02 03:48 am Permalink
a rabbi, a priest and a bunny walk into a bar and the bartender says, "what is this? a joke?"
and did you hear the one about the dislexic who walked into a bra?
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Futura Girl
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Oct 01, 2002
Posts: 933 | Posted: 2003-10-02 03:52 am Permalink
ok - so you've probably heard this one...
A German man walks into a bar and says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
A French man walks into a bar and says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
A Jewish man walks into the bar and says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
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JTD
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Apr 07, 2003
Posts: 407
From: J'ville
| Posted: 2003-10-02 08:38 am Permalink
Two peanuts were walking down the street and one was assaulted.
-JTD
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SES
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Sep 14, 2003
Posts: 992 | Posted: 2003-10-02 08:52 am Permalink
[ This Message was edited by: susane on 2004-01-20 06:41 ]
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SES
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Sep 14, 2003
Posts: 992 | Posted: 2003-10-02 08:52 am Permalink
[ This Message was edited by: susane on 2004-01-20 06:42 ]
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freddiefreelance
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Feb 15, 2003
Posts: 3006
From: San Diego, Ca.
| Posted: 2003-10-02 08:59 am Permalink
A piece of string walks into a bar & orders a pina colada. The bartender takes one look at him, shouts: "We don't serve your kind here!", and throws him out.
The piece of string picks himself up, brushes himself off, ties himself into a knot & unravels a little bit of himself at the top. He then walks back into the bar & orders a pina colada.
The bartender looks at him sideways & says: "Say, I just threw a piece of string out that looked alot like you, was that you?" And the string replied: "No, I'm a frayed knot!"
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Rev. Dr. Frederick J. Freelance, Ph.D., Th.D., D.F.S
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tiki-riviera
Tiki Socialite
Joined: May 11, 2003
Posts: 679
From: Long Beach
| Posted: 2003-10-02 09:18 am Permalink
Did you hear about the Jewish girl who asked her father for $50? He said, "$40 dollars! What do you need $30 for?"
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Tiki_Bong
Deleted
Joined: Mar 25, 2002
Posts: 0 | Posted: 2003-10-02 10:01 am Permalink
This is a real knee-slapper here in the audit department where I work.
It seems two accountants were both writing up journal entries to allocate income to shares of common stock.
The first accountant says "hey Roger, do you calculate your earnings per share (EPS) by dividing the net income by the number of shares of common stock outstanding, or do you calculate it based on the weighted average number of common shares outstanding during the period".
(now get this!)
Roger turns to the first accountant - Arthur - and says "why no Art, I use the Dual EPS presentation, in which the shares are not included in the EPS computations for that period" (rim shot!).
(I dunno, maybe the humor doesn't translate well...)
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"I'm ashamed to be here, but not too ashamed to leave..."
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SES
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Sep 14, 2003
Posts: 992 | Posted: 2003-10-02 10:25 am Permalink
[ This Message was edited by: susane on 2004-01-20 06:43 ]
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PolynesianPop
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Mar 25, 2002
Posts: 2370
From: Corona, Ca
| Posted: 2003-10-02 10:43 am Permalink
Damn Bong, that's some funny sh*t!
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Poly-Pop *
Bartender, make mine a glass of WATAHHH!!!!!
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