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Jokes (some good, some stupid) |
The Gnomon
Tiki Socialite
Joined: May 01, 2007
Posts: 1293
From: MD-DC-VA
|  Posted: 2010-06-18 08:59 am Permalink
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
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GROG
Grand Member (first year) 
Joined: Jun 21, 2006
Posts: 7084
From: Tujunga
| Posted: 2010-06-18 10:19 am Permalink
Caveman humor:
_________________
GROG miss Tiki-Kate
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MadDogMike
Grand Member (7 years) 
Joined: Mar 30, 2008
Posts: 8213
From: The Anvil of the Sun
| Posted: 2010-06-18 12:05 pm Permalink
You're bad GROG 
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Hakalugi
Grand Member (first year)
Joined: Aug 10, 2004
Posts: 3375
From: Redondo Beach, CA
| Posted: 2010-09-11 11:24 pm Permalink
Here's a joke my seven year old daughter told me earlier today.
Why is Cinderella so bad at playing basketball?
Scroll down...
down ... keep going.
ready?
okay here it is...
Because her coach is a pumpkin.
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beadtiki
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Aug 24, 2007
Posts: 929
From: Bothell, Washington
| Posted: 2010-09-12 6:45 pm Permalink
Along those lines, where do bees go to the bathroom?
The BP station!
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VampiressRN
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Nov 23, 2006
Posts: 6092
From: Sun City Lincoln Hills (NorCal)
| Posted: 2010-10-18 8:13 pm Permalink
DEMENTIA TEST
It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert.
If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take this test to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until after you've answered them.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. Without using a calculator -
You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .
In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!!
If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
_________________
 "Oh waiter, another cocktail please!!!"
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Lokepa
Tiki Centralite
Joined: Sep 19, 2010
Posts: 43 | Posted: 2010-10-19 12:40 pm Permalink
Say, Knock, knock
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Cool Manchu
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Aug 03, 2003
Posts: 561
From: San Jose, CA
| Posted: 2010-10-19 2:27 pm Permalink
Quote:
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On 2010-10-19 12:40, Lokepa wrote:
Say, Knock, knock
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I love that joke.  I have used it for years. Most people just stare at your blankly...
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Lokepa
Tiki Centralite
Joined: Sep 19, 2010
Posts: 43 | Posted: 2010-10-21 07:54 am Permalink
i know... i have had to actually explain that joke to some people!! i only had one person give me a good comeback... when i said, who's there? they said my name! darn clever i say!
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woofmutt
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Mar 26, 2002
Posts: 2636
From: Seattilite Telstar
| Posted: 2010-10-21 08:34 am Permalink
What has 102 floors and sucks blood?
The Vampire State Building.
(I came up with that a long time ago. I never thought it was great joke and everyone I've told it to has agreed with me. But I think it's at least Bazooka Joe comic quality.)
_________________
Attribution is the sincerest form of flattery.
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VampiressRN
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Nov 23, 2006
Posts: 6092
From: Sun City Lincoln Hills (NorCal)
| Posted: 2010-12-19 1:01 pm Permalink
Observing a light across the water, the captain had his signalman instruct the other vessel to change her course 10 degrees south.
The response was prompt: "Change your course ten degrees north."
"I am a captain," he responded testily. "Change your course ten degrees south."
The reply: "I'm a seaman first-class, change your course north."
The captain was furious. "Change your course now. I'm on a battleship."
"Change your course ten degrees north, sir - I'm in a lighthouse!"
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Doctor Z
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Aug 01, 2002
Posts: 1617
From: The Hale Moana Lounge, Torrance, CA
| Posted: 2010-12-21 07:23 am Permalink
Something funny in a Christmas theme, courtesy of my 2nd grade class:
Q: How many reindeer does Santa have? Name them.
A: Santa has 10 reindeer
1. Dasher
2. Dancer
3. Prancer
4. Vixen
5. Comet
6. Cupid
7. Donner
8. Blitzen
9. Rudolph
10. Olive
Olive? Yeah, you know - the 'other' reindeer! The one that used to laugh & call Rudolph names!
_________________
Purveyor of
Doctor Z’s 'Not-Quite-Patented' Hangover Remedy
“Sworn BY, not sworn AT”
Ask for it by name!
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woofmutt
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Mar 26, 2002
Posts: 2636
From: Seattilite Telstar
| Posted: 2010-12-21 08:59 am Permalink
Just in case anyone's unaware, that reindeer joke was the basis for a fairly popular kids Christmas story Olive The Other Reindeer which itself was turned into a decent little animated special featuring Drew Barrymore as Olive.
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And now a joke that was written right here on Tiki Central*...
Why was the river cursed?
Because beavers dammed it.
*This joke seems so obvious it probably has appeared elsewhere, but a semi-half assed Google search yielded no results.
_________________
Attribution is the sincerest form of flattery.
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VampiressRN
Tiki Socialite
Joined: Nov 23, 2006
Posts: 6092
From: Sun City Lincoln Hills (NorCal)
| Posted: 2010-12-21 7:53 pm Permalink
Olive...the other damned vegetable!!!
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Hakalugi
Grand Member (first year)
Joined: Aug 10, 2004
Posts: 3375
From: Redondo Beach, CA
| Posted: 2010-12-21 9:06 pm Permalink
On that topic...
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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